Take Me To My Lord

As usual, someone else has said it better...


Is it fair? Can I ask?
I need some help this once.
Life has treated me hard.
I fear I'm burden to everyone.

Take me to my Lord, O brothers of mine.
I know that my faith will heal me.
My legs won't carry me that far,
But you - with your love - I know you will. I know you will.

I have waited so long.
This man is more than a man.
If I'm seen in the flesh, such tears of joy will be my thanks to you.

Take me to my Lord, O sisters of mine.
I know that my faith will heal me.
My legs won't carry me that far,
But you - with your love -I know you will. I know you will.
Bring me there.
My own legs will carry me home.
Bring me there, bring me there.
My own legs will carry me home.
I know they will.

Is it fair? Can I ask?
I need some help this once.
I have faith in my Lord, and also I have faith in you, my friends.

Take me to my Lord, O brothers of mine.
I know that my faith will heal me.
My legs won't carry me that far
But you - with your love - I know you will.
Take me to my Lord, O sisters of mine.
I know that my faith will heal me.
My legs won't carry me that far
But you - with your love - I know you will.
I know you will. -Stephen Iverson


OK, so here's the deal. Most of you know that I've been struggling for the last 10 months, and at this point, I'm feeling pretty beat up and alone. Most of this is due to the voices (don't worry, they're real people) in my life for the majority of this time. The problem is that I can't seem to find Jesus or the voice of truth in the chaos that is my life. I've tried all the things that I know to do - all the things that have worked for me in the past - to no avail. So I'm hoping that some of you will be willing to "listen" and, through your wisdom and prayers, to help me find that precious voice again.


It's going to take time. Some of you haven't know me long/well enough to know the history and the reasons for getting to this point, so I'll have to do some backtracking to fill that in. I apologize ahead of time to those who already know those stories, and I give you permission to skip over them. My hope is that, in the sharing of where I've been and where I am, I'll find some clarity, and that you (meaning those who choose to accept this mission) will be able to speak truth, challenge and love into my life at a time when there aren't too many voices doing that for me.


So, I'm only posting this link as a broad invitation. For those who are willing to "take me to my Lord," please let me know. Once I know who's on this journey with me, I'll send those people a facebook group message or email (depending on where you are technology-wise) so that everyone can see the postings, contribute and see where this leads me.


And Stephen, whether you participate in this discussion or not, thanks for being a part of the journey through your music. It's been one of the few voices of truth that I've had over the last few months.

Waiting, Sleeping and Anticipating...Advent Thoughts

Advent is the season of waiting, and that's something that our culture no longer does well. We've become a fast food culture that doesn't like to wait for anything. When we are forced to wait, we don't respond very well. Just look at the behavior of shoppers on Black Friday to see how well we've learned to be patient and wait!

Personally, I've done a lot of waiting lately - waiting for job openings and interviews, waiting until I can see my YS friends again, waiting for phone calls and texts, waiting for family, waiting in lines, waiting in airports, waiting until I have a place of my own again, waiting to see how long I'll have to wait...

Earlier today, someone asked me about an Advent prayer practice I did with Tootsie Roll pops. When I started to explain the concept of waiting to get to the center, it struck me that maybe we have the wrong idea about Advent being a season of waiting.

This sparked thinking even more about waiting. I thought about the things that I do when I am forced to wait. I play on my computer, text or call people, read, think about new ways to help people connect with God, think about things that I still need to do, and sleep.

Which sparked another idea... "while you were sleeping." Jesus was born while the residents of Bethlehem slept. They missed the whole thing. The shepherds, who were paid to stay awake to watch over the sheep, were the only ones who heard the angels proclaiming the birth of the Messiah. The people had become so tired of waiting for the Messiah to arrive that they had fallen asleep. Jesus' disciples fell asleep while they sat up waiting for Jesus to pray before his arrest, and the arrest took place while the city of Jerusalem slept. Even the resurrection took place while most of the world was still sleeping. We've been waiting so long for Jesus to establish his kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. I wonder if we've fallen asleep again and maybe missed some things along the way.

While we sleep, we miss the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of so many people. We sleep-walk past people on the street, people in our schools, people at work and people in our neighborhoods who so desperately need to experience the kingdom of God. We get so caught up in our own lives that we fail to do what we could to stop poverty and injustice. We roll over and ignore the alarms of prejudice. We become so comfortable in our sleep-living that we fail to love, and thus fail to advance the way of Jesus in any way, shape or form.

But what if Advent became a season of anticipation? What if it signified the promise that our waiting with hope and joy isn't for nothing? What if we anticipated the celebration of the birth of Christ through Advent? What if our preparations for Christmas were more about anticipating Jesus than Santa? What if we woke up from our sleeping to notice the people around us, and more importantly, loving the people around us? What if we worked to break the chains of injustice, poverty, and prejudice? What if, by our awakening from the slumber of shopping and scrambling to make preparations that won't last, we bring the anticipation and hope of the way of Jesus back into the season of Advent?

Why Can't Life Be More Like Living at a YS Convention?

I've just finished the last convention of this season. Last night at Compline in the Sanctuary I had this very emotional moment where I didn't want the convention to end. Compline with Communion typically signifies the end for me, and when Mike started to prepare communion, I was overwhelmed. At first I thought it was because life isn't exactly good for me right now at home, but I quickly realized that wasn't it. I simply didn't want to leave the amazing people who have become my YS family - those who know me, allow me to be me, and love me anyway.

On the way to the airport, I had a few conversations with people who were concerned about what they convention has become or what it might become. That got me thinking about why the NYWC is so special to people, and I decided that life would be better if we could all live like we were at a YS convention.

Why? It seems that we are just better at loving each other at convention...

1. We share at convention. We had a ladder that Michael and Mark needed. It didn't matter that it was a little bit of an inconvenience and required some adaptation of the prayer chapel. They needed it, we had it, we shared. We give away knowledge and share our experience. Whether it's supplies, carts, food or ideas... if we have something that someone else needs, we share. Think about what would happen in our communities and churches if we shared like that! And how would the world be different if we shared our resources and made sure everyone had what they needed?
2. We help and serve each other at convention. We needed help getting workshops set up and torn down. Michael, Mark and Kelly helped us; we helped them. Gary showed up and offered to help set up a workshop. David showed up and packed after the workshop. Kelly walked almost a mile to pop popcorn for my session. Steve fixed our broken speakers. Holly sent us extra people to pack. Even the security guard walked through the building with me, showing me around and giving Lilly directions to the docks, finding the right people to get us carts and take our stuff to our rooms. People hold doors, help push carts, carry things out of their way, volunteer for things they'd never do at home, and go the extra mile at convention. What would happen if we willingly served each other that way in real life?
3. We're present with each other at convention. We take time to sit down and talk with each other. More importantly, we listen to each other. We sit with each other and pray - really pray - as in speaking to AND listening to God together. We celebrate together, and we cry together. We notice when someone is struggling and journey with them. We learn things about each other that would never come up in the casual conversation in our churches, schools and workplaces. Even in the briefest encounters, we connect with each other. Long after we leave a conversation, we remember the person's name or situation. We think about them and pray for them long after the convention is over. Whether we stay in touch or not, these people have left an imprint on our lives, and all because we are present with each other in those few moments or days when we are together.
4. We challenge each other to be our true selves at convention. We spark each other's creativity. We point out things in each others' lives that are keeping us from doing what we were created to do. We help each other notice patterns and passions in our lives. We encourage each other to follow our hopes, our dreams, our calls. We recognize each others' gifts, and we dream about how we could come together to do amazing things to glorify Christ. What would happen if we did this in our churches? Instead of holding people down because of their age or gender or background, what if we celebrated who people are and helped them discover who they were created to be? What if we held each other accountable to being true to ourselves and true to our calls? What if we served each other as spiritual directors and spiritual companions?
5. We're not afraid to admit we need help at convention. We openly weep. We tell others all the things that we've screwed up. We beg people for ideas on how to be better. We admit that we don't have all the answers. We ask people to walk with us on the journey. We quit trying to do it all ourselves, quit trying to be superheroes, quit trying to pretend that we have it all together. In those moments of honesty, when we freely ask someone to help us, we allow those around us to serve us, to be blessed by being present to us, to be stretched themselves by walking with us. Why can't we stop pretending in our churches? Why are questions and cries for help so hard, so scorned and so scarce in our home communities?

Now, I'm not naive enough to think that if we lived in convention-land all the time, everything would be perfect - or even as good as it is in convention-land. I realize that people tend to be on their best behavior for this short period of time. I also realize that one of the reasons we act this way towards each other is because we understand each other better than those outside the world of youth ministry understand us. We are also out of our home environments, often away from the stress and strain of every day life. We feel freer to take the time to be present or to go out of our way to serve someone else because we don't have to rush off to take care of the family or another youth crisis.

But I still have to believe that real life would be better if we lived more like we do in convention-land. Somehow, it reminds me of another "land" - I think Jesus called it "the kingdom" - where people share and serve and listen and challenge and love in such a way that relationships (with self, with others, with God) are restored, what is broken is healed, what is damaged or destroyed is rebuilt. The hungry are fed, the sick are tended, the homeless are sheltered, the imprisoned are freed. To me, it sounds a lot like the kind of kingdom God intended, and the kind of worship, at least according to Isaiah and Jesus, that pleases and glorifies our Creator. In fact, I think this might even be what it means to be a follower of Jesus...

Voices

It's been a long time since I've blogged - mostly because my life has been in chaos, and there has been nothing worth writing about. But as the struggle has continued, I've been influenced by many voices.

This morning, at church, the pastor was speaking about the voices that are positive and speak the truth - the voices of God. It inspired me to think about all the voices in my life.

Sadly, most of the influential voices in my life at this point are negative - or not of God. It didn't take long after moving in with my folks to be reminded that nothing I do is ever good enough for them. I never seem to be able to live up to their expectations, and no matter what I've done to earn money to pay the bills, to help them or to try and move towards what God has for me, it's wrong. Then there are the echoes of the pastors who have told me that I'm not good enough, that I'm not fit for ministry, that God really doesn't want me. Add to that the voices that tell me I haven't been doing my jobs right or that I'm not good enough for those either, and the result is that I've been feeling quite alone, depressed, trapped and worthless.

But there are the other voices - the voices of truth - in my life as well. I spent last weekend in Los Angeles with my Youth Specialties friends creating and helping with the prayer spaces at the National Youth Workers' Convention there. It didn't take long for Lilly and Larry to speak the truth into my life, and when they did, it rang so much truer than the other voices in my life. There was encouragement and a sense of things being "right" when they spoke with me. Their voices didn't leave me feeling trapped and hopeless, and even the confusion and uncertainty didn't seem negative.

This morning, after being back home for a week, the voice of truth spoke to me again. The pastor's message pointed out all the negative voices in my life, but it also encouraged me with the voices of truth. After the service, one of my best friends from high school (who also is the worship pastor there), asked me a simple question: "Are you OK?"

Of course, my typical response is "yeah," but I have never been able to play that game with Shawn. A quick (and somewhat disapproving) glance from Shawn reminded me that the basis of our friendship has always been honesty and openness, and so, standing in the middle of the roller rink, I found myself telling him everything. Although I prefer not to cry in public (due to something I was taught as a small child), the tears came pouring out, along with all the hurt, confusion and hopelessness.

What's amazing is how a few simple moments of sharing with a friend, a simple hug and a smile of reassurance can help put things into perspective. Shawn has always been my protector, and he has always believed in me. Somehow, just knowing that someone is here with me (not far away like my YS friends) who believes in me and is willing to hang on to that belief and hope until I can take it for myself, makes the life I am currently stuck in seem bearable. And then, as we were driving out of town and ended up beside each other at a red light, he signaled me the "peace" sign. Now Shawn has no idea what that means to me. Another voice of truth in my life - Stephen - always reminds me of peace and wishes me peace. Seeing that sign and being reminded of another voice of truth brought tears again, but this time they were tears of hope and a promise of joy to come.

So I have no idea what's in store for me. I currently see no way out of the trap of a life I'm in. Still, because of these voices of truth, I know that I am not alone, that I have hope, and that God has something else for me if I can just be patient enough (and quiet enough) to hear and follow.

So to Shawn, Lilly, Larry, Stephen and the other voices that God is using to speak truth to me... thank you.

This past week, a group of us began working through Scot McKnight's book 40 Days Living the Jesus Creed. We're posting our thoughts on the book on a Facebook group, which forces me to really think about what I'm reading and how it applies.

For me, the idea of the Jesus Creed and praying it throughout the day isn't much of a stretch. Through the contemplative practices, I've become accustomed to praying the Jesus Prayer or other breath prayers on a consistent basis. However, I found that the Scripture from Mark was just a bit too familiar, and it quickly became a repetition of words without real meaning for me. I turned to the Message instead and created a combination of the two versions that is more thought-provoking for me. I've been using this:Hear, O Israel, the Lord your God, the Lord is one. So love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy. Love others as well as you love yourself. There is no other commandment that ranks with these.After getting my version straight, I jumped in. Day 2 was no problem for me, though it gave me an opportunity to journal and to check on where things are in my life. I liked the reminder that to love God means to yearn for, to pray for, and work for what glorifies God and what puts God in God's place in your life (8). I thought I was cruising along and getting the hang of this.Then I hit Day 3. With the recent events of my life, loving others has been somewhat selective. I've found myself praying a line from Kendall Payne's song "Prayer" - What you do unto others, may it all be done to you - when thinking about my former employers and their political ambitions. Somehow that just didn't seem to fit into the concept of loving your neighbor - at least not in this case. So I seemed to have gotten stuck on this particular concept and how it plays out in my current situation.I started thinking about the needs that my former employers have. I discovered that what they perceive as needs are simply ambitions or desires. They need to be popular, to be promoted, to be in control - those are all their personal desires. On the 2 hour drive to my folks' place, I prayerfully considered what their true needs might be. I felt like I was consistently being led back to "love others as well as yourself," and I began to realize that Bill, Kristen and Cathy are all striving to gain others' approval and others' love rather than being able to love themselves. All three of them have spent their entire lives doing what pleases others and being whoever they needed to be to please the person who could promote them. This is especially true as they are in positions to be promoted in the next 6 months. Everything they do - including firing me - is an attempt to get someone else to love them. They don't see themselves as the beloved of God; they see themselves as little worker bees for the church. It's all about doing, pleasing and earning love, including God's love.With that sense, I actually began to feel sorry for them. I remember what it was like to be trapped in that never-ending cycle. I am so grateful for my friend Larry who helped me to believe that I am the beloved of God and that being is way more important than doing! Once you are able to "be", the doing becomes the natural outflow of all that you receive.Looking at Day 4 then, this caught my attention: "For us to be empowered by that face, we have to turn our face to God by gazing at God and by talking to God. If we fake it, we offer to God nothing but a facade. If we face God honestly by offering our true face to God, we discover in the face of God the face of love. We discover that God is love." (22)That struck me because of the facade I see my former employers and others around me (and at times myself) putting before God. I have had the terrifying experience of finding myself naked and true before the face of God and finding only love despite my own fear and shame. Although it is never a pleasant experience (at least to start), it is a rewarding, humbling and encouraging experience. My prayer for my former employers has become simply that the facade would crumble and that they would not run from the presence of God in those first difficult moments, but that they would have the courage to stay and experience true love.

So much for "Nice"

Things have developed since my last post.  I have since found out that although they were trying to be "nice Christians" to my face, they have been anything but nice!

Not only did they not follow the denominational procedures, but they were barely legal (and wouldn't have been had our financial person not caught it).  They didn't follow procedure because they want the congregation to think it was my choice and to push through another person for the position that has been handpicked by the pastor and not the hiring committee.

It turns out that the real reason for all of this is self-promotion.  Both the pastors and the district superintendent are bucking for promotions.  Unfortunately for me, I could care less about denominational politics, and I was doing nothing to help them advance.  Although I was doing my job (or at least what I was told was my job), I failed to produce instant recognition and promotion for them at the district and conference levels.  I also discovered that I am the 3rd person in less than 3 years to be hired and fired quickly.

All this has left the entire church and community reeling.  I feel sorry for all the people stuck in the system.  They don't want to leave their church family, but the leadership is slowly destroying everything they believe in.  Some are even questioning their faith because it doesn't seem like God is in this (and how can God not be part of a church and a pastor's life?).  I'm doing what I can to help people through this.  After my "church from hell" experience, I realized that pastors and people in the church can be just as manipulative, abusive, self-seeking, etc. as anyone else.  God isn't in the politics, and so I can recover and survive.

So much for the "nice Christians" though...  I think I'd rather stick with the messy, confused, stumbling followers of God in the way of Jesus!

"Nice" Christians

The other night, I was called in to talk to all the "power authorities" in my local church. Turns out that they had decided to fire me. They tried to be "nice Christians" (they actually used that term) as they told me that after 7 months, they've decided that I'm not producing the results (apparently big numbers) that they were looking for and that I haven't made enough contacts to warrant me keeping my job. Of course, I think there are lots of reasons for this that the "nice Christians" wouldn't admit (maybe even to themselves).

I'm not exactly sure what they expected. I moved half-way across the country to do this, and it takes time to build a ministry. They told me they wanted a spiritual formation process, but apparently they want "glitz and glamour" ministry that attracts lots of kids but has little depth. My bad. I went on what they told me they expected not on the actual expectations. There was no warning of this, no previous conversation about expectations, nothing.

The "nice Christians" went on to say that they felt I wasn't called to youth ministry and that they wouldn't recommend me for another youth job. They want me to go to a Christian coach because as "nice Christians," they want to help me find God's real call on my life. I found this ironic because they based this on a "we know you better than you know yourself" concept. I have spent very little time with any of the people in that room, and absolutely no time outside of a work context. They don't have a clue who I am or what I was actually accomplishing there, for that matter. But as "nice Christians" they felt the need to justify themselves in this manner.

The "nice Christians" even said that they would help me out financially - by providing what they are legally bound to provide. Some help! Even the "church from hell" experience provided better compensation and more communication than that! And they didn't even pretend to be "nice Christians."

I've decided that it's because of people/churches/situations like these that I refuse to call myself a Christian any longer. About 1 year ago, I started saying that I'm not a Christian, but I do tell people that I'm a follower of God in the way of Jesus. I think that's more appropriate. After all, Jesus wasn't exactly "nice." Read his conversations with the Pharisees and teachers of the law or check out some of his conversations with his disciples. Jesus was real, honest, straightfoward, etc., but "nice" doesn't fit the list. One of my problems with the church and "Christians" is that so many have gotten so far (don't hear me say ALL) from the original kingdom vision. Most people, including my now former employers and the parents of my former youth, just want Christianity to be about making people "nice." It's a prosperity, personal gospel to make you behave, to make you more popular, to help you get better grades or a better job, to make you, well... "nice."

I have to say that I've had enough of "nice Christians." I much prefer the real people that I've worked with in other churches and other contexts. I'd rather have a real spiritual conversation with someone sitting at the bar than lead a "nice lesson" in a church youth group.

I still think God can redeem the church, but all of these "nice Christians" are certainly making it more difficult!