It's been a long time since I've blogged - mostly because my life has been in chaos, and there has been nothing worth writing about. But as the struggle has continued, I've been influenced by many voices.
This morning, at church, the pastor was speaking about the voices that are positive and speak the truth - the voices of God. It inspired me to think about all the voices in my life.
Sadly, most of the influential voices in my life at this point are negative - or not of God. It didn't take long after moving in with my folks to be reminded that nothing I do is ever good enough for them. I never seem to be able to live up to their expectations, and no matter what I've done to earn money to pay the bills, to help them or to try and move towards what God has for me, it's wrong. Then there are the echoes of the pastors who have told me that I'm not good enough, that I'm not fit for ministry, that God really doesn't want me. Add to that the voices that tell me I haven't been doing my jobs right or that I'm not good enough for those either, and the result is that I've been feeling quite alone, depressed, trapped and worthless.
But there are the other voices - the voices of truth - in my life as well. I spent last weekend in Los Angeles with my Youth Specialties friends creating and helping with the prayer spaces at the National Youth Workers' Convention there. It didn't take long for Lilly and Larry to speak the truth into my life, and when they did, it rang so much truer than the other voices in my life. There was encouragement and a sense of things being "right" when they spoke with me. Their voices didn't leave me feeling trapped and hopeless, and even the confusion and uncertainty didn't seem negative.
This morning, after being back home for a week, the voice of truth spoke to me again. The pastor's message pointed out all the negative voices in my life, but it also encouraged me with the voices of truth. After the service, one of my best friends from high school (who also is the worship pastor there), asked me a simple question: "Are you OK?"
Of course, my typical response is "yeah," but I have never been able to play that game with Shawn. A quick (and somewhat disapproving) glance from Shawn reminded me that the basis of our friendship has always been honesty and openness, and so, standing in the middle of the roller rink, I found myself telling him everything. Although I prefer not to cry in public (due to something I was taught as a small child), the tears came pouring out, along with all the hurt, confusion and hopelessness.
What's amazing is how a few simple moments of sharing with a friend, a simple hug and a smile of reassurance can help put things into perspective. Shawn has always been my protector, and he has always believed in me. Somehow, just knowing that someone is here with me (not far away like my YS friends) who believes in me and is willing to hang on to that belief and hope until I can take it for myself, makes the life I am currently stuck in seem bearable. And then, as we were driving out of town and ended up beside each other at a red light, he signaled me the "peace" sign. Now Shawn has no idea what that means to me. Another voice of truth in my life - Stephen - always reminds me of peace and wishes me peace. Seeing that sign and being reminded of another voice of truth brought tears again, but this time they were tears of hope and a promise of joy to come.
So I have no idea what's in store for me. I currently see no way out of the trap of a life I'm in. Still, because of these voices of truth, I know that I am not alone, that I have hope, and that God has something else for me if I can just be patient enough (and quiet enough) to hear and follow.
So to Shawn, Lilly, Larry, Stephen and the other voices that God is using to speak truth to me... thank you.
