Voices

It's been a long time since I've blogged - mostly because my life has been in chaos, and there has been nothing worth writing about. But as the struggle has continued, I've been influenced by many voices. This morning, at church, the pastor was speaking about the voices that are positive and speak the truth - the voices of God. It inspired me to think about all the voices in my life. Sadly, most of the influential voices in my life at this point are negative - or not of God. It didn't take long after moving in with my folks to be reminded that nothing I do is ever good enough for them. I never seem to be able to live up to their expectations, and no matter what I've done to earn money to pay the bills, to help them or to try and move towards what God has for me, it's wrong. Then there are the echoes of the pastors who have told me that I'm not good enough, that I'm not fit for ministry, that God really doesn't want me. Add to that the voices that tell me I haven't been doing my jobs right or that I'm not good enough for those either, and the result is that I've been feeling quite alone, depressed, trapped and worthless. But there are the other voices - the voices of truth - in my life as well. I spent last weekend in Los Angeles with my Youth Specialties friends creating and helping with the prayer spaces at the National Youth Workers' Convention there. It didn't take long for Lilly and Larry to speak the truth into my life, and when they did, it rang so much truer than the other voices in my life. There was encouragement and a sense of things being "right" when they spoke with me. Their voices didn't leave me feeling trapped and hopeless, and even the confusion and uncertainty didn't seem negative. This morning, after being back home for a week, the voice of truth spoke to me again. The pastor's message pointed out all the negative voices in my life, but it also encouraged me with the voices of truth. After the service, one of my best friends from high school (who also is the worship pastor there), asked me a simple question: "Are you OK?" Of course, my typical response is "yeah," but I have never been able to play that game with Shawn. A quick (and somewhat disapproving) glance from Shawn reminded me that the basis of our friendship has always been honesty and openness, and so, standing in the middle of the roller rink, I found myself telling him everything. Although I prefer not to cry in public (due to something I was taught as a small child), the tears came pouring out, along with all the hurt, confusion and hopelessness. What's amazing is how a few simple moments of sharing with a friend, a simple hug and a smile of reassurance can help put things into perspective. Shawn has always been my protector, and he has always believed in me. Somehow, just knowing that someone is here with me (not far away like my YS friends) who believes in me and is willing to hang on to that belief and hope until I can take it for myself, makes the life I am currently stuck in seem bearable. And then, as we were driving out of town and ended up beside each other at a red light, he signaled me the "peace" sign. Now Shawn has no idea what that means to me. Another voice of truth in my life - Stephen - always reminds me of peace and wishes me peace. Seeing that sign and being reminded of another voice of truth brought tears again, but this time they were tears of hope and a promise of joy to come. So I have no idea what's in store for me. I currently see no way out of the trap of a life I'm in. Still, because of these voices of truth, I know that I am not alone, that I have hope, and that God has something else for me if I can just be patient enough (and quiet enough) to hear and follow. So to Shawn, Lilly, Larry, Stephen and the other voices that God is using to speak truth to me... thank you.

This past week, a group of us began working through Scot McKnight's book 40 Days Living the Jesus Creed. We're posting our thoughts on the book on a Facebook group, which forces me to really think about what I'm reading and how it applies. For me, the idea of the Jesus Creed and praying it throughout the day isn't much of a stretch. Through the contemplative practices, I've become accustomed to praying the Jesus Prayer or other breath prayers on a consistent basis. However, I found that the Scripture from Mark was just a bit too familiar, and it quickly became a repetition of words without real meaning for me. I turned to the Message instead and created a combination of the two versions that is more thought-provoking for me. I've been using this:Hear, O Israel, the Lord your God, the Lord is one. So love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy. Love others as well as you love yourself. There is no other commandment that ranks with these.After getting my version straight, I jumped in. Day 2 was no problem for me, though it gave me an opportunity to journal and to check on where things are in my life. I liked the reminder that to love God means to yearn for, to pray for, and work for what glorifies God and what puts God in God's place in your life (8). I thought I was cruising along and getting the hang of this.Then I hit Day 3. With the recent events of my life, loving others has been somewhat selective. I've found myself praying a line from Kendall Payne's song "Prayer" - What you do unto others, may it all be done to you - when thinking about my former employers and their political ambitions. Somehow that just didn't seem to fit into the concept of loving your neighbor - at least not in this case. So I seemed to have gotten stuck on this particular concept and how it plays out in my current situation.I started thinking about the needs that my former employers have. I discovered that what they perceive as needs are simply ambitions or desires. They need to be popular, to be promoted, to be in control - those are all their personal desires. On the 2 hour drive to my folks' place, I prayerfully considered what their true needs might be. I felt like I was consistently being led back to "love others as well as yourself," and I began to realize that Bill, Kristen and Cathy are all striving to gain others' approval and others' love rather than being able to love themselves. All three of them have spent their entire lives doing what pleases others and being whoever they needed to be to please the person who could promote them. This is especially true as they are in positions to be promoted in the next 6 months. Everything they do - including firing me - is an attempt to get someone else to love them. They don't see themselves as the beloved of God; they see themselves as little worker bees for the church. It's all about doing, pleasing and earning love, including God's love.With that sense, I actually began to feel sorry for them. I remember what it was like to be trapped in that never-ending cycle. I am so grateful for my friend Larry who helped me to believe that I am the beloved of God and that being is way more important than doing! Once you are able to "be", the doing becomes the natural outflow of all that you receive.Looking at Day 4 then, this caught my attention: "For us to be empowered by that face, we have to turn our face to God by gazing at God and by talking to God. If we fake it, we offer to God nothing but a facade. If we face God honestly by offering our true face to God, we discover in the face of God the face of love. We discover that God is love." (22)That struck me because of the facade I see my former employers and others around me (and at times myself) putting before God. I have had the terrifying experience of finding myself naked and true before the face of God and finding only love despite my own fear and shame. Although it is never a pleasant experience (at least to start), it is a rewarding, humbling and encouraging experience. My prayer for my former employers has become simply that the facade would crumble and that they would not run from the presence of God in those first difficult moments, but that they would have the courage to stay and experience true love.

So much for "Nice"

Things have developed since my last post.  I have since found out that although they were trying to be "nice Christians" to my face, they have been anything but nice!

Not only did they not follow the denominational procedures, but they were barely legal (and wouldn't have been had our financial person not caught it).  They didn't follow procedure because they want the congregation to think it was my choice and to push through another person for the position that has been handpicked by the pastor and not the hiring committee.

It turns out that the real reason for all of this is self-promotion.  Both the pastors and the district superintendent are bucking for promotions.  Unfortunately for me, I could care less about denominational politics, and I was doing nothing to help them advance.  Although I was doing my job (or at least what I was told was my job), I failed to produce instant recognition and promotion for them at the district and conference levels.  I also discovered that I am the 3rd person in less than 3 years to be hired and fired quickly.

All this has left the entire church and community reeling.  I feel sorry for all the people stuck in the system.  They don't want to leave their church family, but the leadership is slowly destroying everything they believe in.  Some are even questioning their faith because it doesn't seem like God is in this (and how can God not be part of a church and a pastor's life?).  I'm doing what I can to help people through this.  After my "church from hell" experience, I realized that pastors and people in the church can be just as manipulative, abusive, self-seeking, etc. as anyone else.  God isn't in the politics, and so I can recover and survive.

So much for the "nice Christians" though...  I think I'd rather stick with the messy, confused, stumbling followers of God in the way of Jesus!

"Nice" Christians

The other night, I was called in to talk to all the "power authorities" in my local church. Turns out that they had decided to fire me. They tried to be "nice Christians" (they actually used that term) as they told me that after 7 months, they've decided that I'm not producing the results (apparently big numbers) that they were looking for and that I haven't made enough contacts to warrant me keeping my job. Of course, I think there are lots of reasons for this that the "nice Christians" wouldn't admit (maybe even to themselves). I'm not exactly sure what they expected. I moved half-way across the country to do this, and it takes time to build a ministry. They told me they wanted a spiritual formation process, but apparently they want "glitz and glamour" ministry that attracts lots of kids but has little depth. My bad. I went on what they told me they expected not on the actual expectations. There was no warning of this, no previous conversation about expectations, nothing. The "nice Christians" went on to say that they felt I wasn't called to youth ministry and that they wouldn't recommend me for another youth job. They want me to go to a Christian coach because as "nice Christians," they want to help me find God's real call on my life. I found this ironic because they based this on a "we know you better than you know yourself" concept. I have spent very little time with any of the people in that room, and absolutely no time outside of a work context. They don't have a clue who I am or what I was actually accomplishing there, for that matter. But as "nice Christians" they felt the need to justify themselves in this manner. The "nice Christians" even said that they would help me out financially - by providing what they are legally bound to provide. Some help! Even the "church from hell" experience provided better compensation and more communication than that! And they didn't even pretend to be "nice Christians." I've decided that it's because of people/churches/situations like these that I refuse to call myself a Christian any longer. About 1 year ago, I started saying that I'm not a Christian, but I do tell people that I'm a follower of God in the way of Jesus. I think that's more appropriate. After all, Jesus wasn't exactly "nice." Read his conversations with the Pharisees and teachers of the law or check out some of his conversations with his disciples. Jesus was real, honest, straightfoward, etc., but "nice" doesn't fit the list. One of my problems with the church and "Christians" is that so many have gotten so far (don't hear me say ALL) from the original kingdom vision. Most people, including my now former employers and the parents of my former youth, just want Christianity to be about making people "nice." It's a prosperity, personal gospel to make you behave, to make you more popular, to help you get better grades or a better job, to make you, well... "nice." I have to say that I've had enough of "nice Christians." I much prefer the real people that I've worked with in other churches and other contexts. I'd rather have a real spiritual conversation with someone sitting at the bar than lead a "nice lesson" in a church youth group. I still think God can redeem the church, but all of these "nice Christians" are certainly making it more difficult!

A Bit of Grace

I just had themost unique experience at a ministry fair. The fair "traffic" was slow, and I was visiting with the ladies from the ministry next to me. We were chatting about what we do, the churches we attend, etc. The one lady asked me where I was from, which surprised me a bit. She said that she'd lived in the area for 27 years, but she was still considered an outsider, as were her children, so she recognizing other "outsiders." Then she asked me, "So how are things going for you personally? Don't tell me about your ministry or your church now; tell me about how things are going for you." I wasn't quite sure how to answer this relative stranger. I've moved several times, so I know that breaking into a new community is often difficult, especially when it's a small, close-knit community such as the Olean area. I have some people that I consider friends, but I don't have anyone I would really go to in an emergency. I don't have anyone who calls and justs wants to do something. The people I do talk with all have other groups of friends or their families, and so they don't think to invite me along to things. Even when I reach out to them and invite them to do something with me, the answer usually is no because they're already doing something with another friend or with their family. I really am an outsider here. I finally answered that it has been tough, and for the next several minutes she listened patiently and asked wise questions as I found myself revealing things to this lady that I normally would never tell to anyone except for my closest of friends. As we talked, I realized how difficult this move has been for me. I realized how much I miss my friends and my students in the Chicagoland area. I realized how tired I am of trying to be OK on my own. I realized how hard I've been trying to "play the game" so that I can fit in here and how miserably I've failed at that game. All of this comes on the heels of being summoned before the "powers" for a meeting this evening. I was only told that we needed to discuss "some issues," and my past experience tells me that when the "powers" call a quick meeting without giving you any indication of what they want to discuss, it's trouble. I'm fully expecting them to start setting out the ultimatums. It's nothing I haven't been through before, but it's never easy. And I know that I don't have one person at that meeting tonight who is in my corner. Flashbacks to the "church from hell" come rushing back. And yet, for at least a few moments this morning, someone understood. She cared. She listened to me and affirmed me. In the midst of this stressful time and struggle, I received a bit of grace this morning - not from my pastor, not from a friend, not from the church, but from a stranger.

Breathe

I recently watched Rob Bell's Nooma Video "Breathe" with my students. I've seen it before, but some new things hit me this time: If our breathing is actually saying the name of God, then it makes sense that life begins with a breath and ends when we can no longer say the name of God. If our breathing is actually saying the name of God, then what does it really mean to "take the name of God in vain?" My students say that it means that you shouldn't swear using God's name, but if our very breath is God's name, then wouldn't it mean more? Wouldn't it mean that our breath shouldn't be used to gossip? Wouldn't it mean that our breath shouldn't be used to tear people down or destroy people? Wouldn't it mean that our breath shouldn't be used for anything that is harmful or hurtful? Wouldn't all of that be considered taking God's name in vain? Would "wasting our breath" by rambling on with meaningless chatter also be considered taking God's name in vain? The other thing that caught my attention this time was that science says we should receive 90% of our energy from breathing, but we don't. How much does that speak to us not tapping into the power that God has for us? I'm not sure I have any answers for this, but it certainly made me (and my students) think!

Emerging Church Conference

Last week I attended the Emerging Church Conference at Houghton College. It was a surprise to me that Houghton would bring in Tony Jones for an event, but it was no surprise that people pulled their funding from Houghton or that the event wasn't very well attended (compared to other conferences). Why do people see the emerging church as such a threat? Some of the questions and statements made were very interesting. Someone said that Brian McLaren doesn't believe in the atonement. Have they read any of his stuff? A discussion about "absolute truth" broke out at one point, and I loved Tony's response: Truth doesn't need a qualifier like absolute. It's true or it's not. I thought Tony did a great job of responding (or not) to a woman who kept pushing him on a few issues. It was obvious that Tony had several opportunities to completely destroy her, and he very deftly avoided doing so. I guess I wonder how I ended up in an area that is so anti-emergent when I am so emergent myself. Even on my facebook page, old college friends were upset when they discovered I was supporting Tony and emergent at the conference. Is it simply because I've been through so much with the church and realize that this can't be all that God intended for us? Are my friends and colleagues so bound up in the bureaucracy and politics of the dominational structures that they aren't willing to even consider that some of those structures might actually be harmful to the church (as the body of Christ)? Have they sold out for a paycheck or security? Or have they simply never questioned anything? I know it sounds a bit hypocritical to say they've sold out for a paycheck or security since I am working for a church myself. I'll readily admit that I play the game to some extent to earn the paycheck. But I also refuse to go through the denominational indoctrination process in any denomination despite the fact that it would benefit my financially and would insure future positions with the church. I just can't do it. In fact, when someone asks me for my church affliation, my typical response is "Well, right now the Methodists are paying me." I work within the church systems because I believe that the church (like everything else) can be redeemed. I remember having a conversation with Mike Yaconelli at one point when I was ready to walk away from the church. He said that he understood my pain and frustration, but he also said that he hoped I wouldn't walk away. The church is the body of Christ, the vehicle for sharing the good news of Jesus Christ with the world. It is made up of imperfect people, so, of course, it has its flaws. Mike said that he could help but wonder what would happen if people who wanted to follow Jesus actually worked within the church to try to help the church become at least more of what it was supposed to be. Eventually, that became my own philosophy as well. So I keep working for churches and praying that my influence within them will help them become more like the body and bride of Christ. I think the example of many of the emerging church leaders is helpful in this process, and I think many of the emerging churches are giving us great examples of what this can look like for a local congregation.