Overwhelmed

As we sat and prayed with the Praise Team tonight, I was struck with an overwhelming sadness and frustration.  You all know my situaiton.  I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being alone to deal with all this (OK, not alone because you're along on the journey, but you know what I mean).  I'm tired of feeling like a complete failure.  I hate my job to the point that I dread going each day and actually get physically sick most days as I head out for another long, soul-crushing night of sitting in front of a machine.  I miss hearing/feeling the presence of God in my life.  But it seems that as much as I'm having to deal with at the moment, I'm one of the lucky ones.

Sitting around the circle are people who are dealing with major tragedies.  Heartache was in abundance.  Tears were near the surface for many of us, and a few spilled out despite our unwillingness to cry in that moment.  There was just so much pain and frustration sitting there.  It was overwhelming.

What right do I have to feel the way I do?  I have a job.  I'm able to cover my financial obligations at the moment.  My family isn't falling apart.  I have a place to live.  I'm not having to mourn the death of a loved one.  I have clean water to drink and food to eat.  I'm not dealing with a disease.  I'm just struggling with God's call on my life and his seeming lack of presence at the moment.  What's the big deal?

And yet, I do feel this way. Which makes me feel selfish and a bit guilty.  And I'm not sure what to do with all this.