Focal Points of Frustration?

Shawn has noticed a pattern in my life - a pattern that goes way back to jr. high and high school. He mentioned it to me last week, and I've spent quite a bit of time this week thinking about his observation that it seems that I always have someone who is the "focal point of my frustrations."

Like most people, lots of things people do frustrate me.  I get frustrated when people tell me that what I've experienced or what I know to be true is wrong.  I get frustrated when people pretend all the time.  I get frustrated when someone holds me back from something I really want to do.  But these are usually one-time frustrations.  I get upset in the moment, let it go, and move on.  When these kinds of things happen, it's not lasting, and I usually can continue to treat the people the same way I did prior to the frustration with no problem.

But Shawn was right - almost.  I don't ALWAYS have someone who becomes the focus of all my frustrations, but it is does occur with some frequency.  I made a list of all the people in my life about whom I could remember having this feeling.  It took several days to work through my feelings and potential reasons for my feelings about these people, but finally a single pattern was revealed.

Apparently I have a problem with authority.  I don't like people telling me what to do, how to do it or not to do something.  I should clarify that I don't have a problem with all authority.  There have been a number of teachers, coaches, principals, pastors, etc. who have had authority over me, and I've accepted their leadership with no problem.  So what's the difference between these people and the ones who become the focus of all my antagonism and opposition?

It comes down to trust.  At the moment, Shawn is in a leadership position over me.  But I trust Shawn.  I understand what he is trying to do.  I want to support Shawn in those efforts, and, even if I don't agree with him about something, I trust that Shawn has my best interests (and the interests of those he serves) at heart.  So I will do what Shawn asks of me without complaining or fighting him.  Doug (former senior pastor) was obviously in authority over me.  But Doug always had my back, even when we didn't agree.  I didn't always agree with Doug, but I trusted him.  I knew that Doug wanted what was best for me, for my students, and for the church, so when he asked me to do something, I did it without questioning him.  These are just a few examples.  The people who have had authority over me but who have demonstrated a desire to make decisions and do what is best for the people in their care have always had my respect, my trust, my loyalty.

But I've had other people in authority over me (or people I love) who haven't earned my respect, my trust, my loyalty or anything other than my frustration, antagonism, anger and sometimes blatant disregard for anything they have to offer.  They have all done things that have hurt me, or worse, hurt the people I care about the most.  I have seen them act in such a way as to abuse their power, their position, or their authority.  I feel completely powerless to stop them, to correct the situation, to do anything about the damage that they are doing to people.  I hate that these people are often undermining my efforts to help people, to teach my students, to point people to Jesus.  So I fight back.  And with me, it's all or nothing, so I can't accept even the good things that these people are trying to do.

And yet, perhaps in all this fighting back, I've only been doing more damage to my own soul.  Dave doesn't care what he did to me, to my students, to my youth team.  It hasn't bothered him one bit over the last 7 years.  I'm sure that Henegan or Reyer haven't had a second thought about everything that happened at Maplewood.  I'm pretty sure that none of the people who have been the "focal point of my frustrations"  - as Shawn so gently put it - have lost one second of sleep. 

So who are they really hurting?  I've seen the life impact some of these people have had on the people I care about, and I let that hurt and anger bury itself deep within me - at least until I can escape the ramifications of being under their authority.  Justified or not, this only hurts me.  It takes time to heal from these deeply buried toxins, and I often think I've forgiven and moved on only to have everything surface again later.  Forgiveness is a long process, and even after forgiveness has been granted, the effects of these toxins linger.

I wonder how my own actions, words, attitudes towards these authority figures has further hurt those that I love so dearly.  The thought that it is my fault that some of these precious people have stepped further away from Jesus or have struggled in their own lives is devastating.

Even the midst of these situations, I have been able to recognize that eventually I will be able to forgive, to let go.  Eventually, that is able to happen.  It becomes part of my story, shapes the way I move forward, but I am eventually able to forgive.  However, what if the people who get caught in the middle aren't able to forgive?  What if their bitterness or anger over what they observed settles deep within them?  What if the things I have said or done causes them to deeply resent the people who still have authority over them?  What if, because of my responses, they blame God for the things that have happened to me or to them?  What if my resentment of these people has filled those I love with deadly toxins from which they can't recover?