Ups and Downs

I was able to actually sit down and talk with Shawn for a bit today.  One of the things he asked me was how I was doing - up?  down?  the same?

I think that I'm "up" from the point I was two weeks ago when I sent out that first post.  Though nothing has changed - and in that sense is "the same" - just knowing that you all are willing to walk with me has been encouraging.  Some of your comments and suggestions have been helpful, but it's really more about knowing that I'm not having to do this part of the journey alone.

There have been "downs" as well.  There was a point at work this week when I felt like my soul was literally being crushed as I sat there.  It's a feeling I've had often, but this was almost a physical sensation.  There are more and more days when I feel like I just can't do it one more minute, but I have no choice.  Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to give up/give in and start to accept that this is going to be life for me.  I think I'd be happier here if I could do that, but somehow I just can't.

Today was a REALLY GOOD day though.  Again, nothing has changed.  But today I got to spend 2 hours with Shawn.  It was good to just talk.  He shared some insights that will appear in the blog at a later date - once I've had time to explore them a bit more.  We talked about ministry, what church should be, and how we did church/community better when we were in junior high and high school.  Thinking back on our teen days, Shawn said that for all the drama, we (meaning our group of friends) really did love and care for each other.  Something happened as we gathered around those cafeteria tables for lunch or to hang out before band practice, and it's one of the reasons that neither of us can settle for "playing church."  It was good to be reminded of that, and, in the process, why I love working with teenagers.

Earlier in the week, I had made plans to hang out with Mary, a friend from the Meadville YM days.  We ended up hanging out at her house and then heading to her church.  While we were there, we ran into another friend from those days.  We sat and reminisced about mission trips in "the old days" - particularly a trip to Nicaragua.  We told stories and, again, it was good.  Mary was one of the people there for me when I was debating going into full time ministry.  She, Randy and I sat up late almost every night in Nicaragua talking about what plans God might have for the three of us.  It was good to be reminded of those days and the bonds we shared as well.

Beyond that fun though, I had the chance to share with Mary a little about T.A.G. Ministries.  As I talked about it, I could feel that same soul brightening feeling that I felt when I was talking to Shawn about some of my youth ministry experiences.  If nothing else, it confirmed in me that I shouldn't settle for the soul crushing work of metrology.  I've been sending out resumes to some churches that I have the sense would be suffocating situations- one of which I even have a phone interview with next Friday - but today also confirmed that I shouldn't settle for one of those jobs either.

Not much has changed.  Tears are still near the surface and spill out at inconvenient and frequent intervals.  I'm still desperate to hear  - or at least sense the presence of  - Jesus.  I still have no clue where this phase of the journey is headed.  But there is a stirring.  I can listen to music again without wanting to throw my iPod under a MAC truck, and there are a few encouraging signs along the way that I haven't totally misunderstood my call, that I haven't been disappointing God, that I haven't been "wasting" my life working with teens and exploring creative and alternate forms of worship.