Disappointment or Distortion?

A little over a week ago, I had this encounter.  I ran into a friend who had journeyed with me through a season of waiting (not a faith crisis like this one, but simply waiting).  As we caught up, it became obvious that I am less than happy with my life at the moment.  (I think people figure it out pretty quickly when I refer to work as "prison.")  Being the concerned, dedicated, Christian woman that she is, she asked me, "Are you disappointed with God?"

I can honestly say that I'm not disappointed with God.  (I'll explain why later in the post).

Her parting words to me were one of the reasons that I decided I needed to reach out to you all: "I'm glad to hear that, but I think you need to take some time to look at your life because I think God is disappointed with you."

I went home with my head and heart spinning.  What did I do to disappoint God?  Was I wrong to leave teaching to go into ministry?  Or should I have stayed in LaPorte?  Or perhaps I should have worked harder at fitting in and playing the game in Olean?  Was T.A.G. a huge mistake that God was just sadly shaking his head over?  Or going to YS this year?  Did I completely misread what was happening during that Imaginative Prayer session and simply just add to the number of opportunities I had completely blown?  Or maybe my version of art/creativity?  Or maybe my ways of praying weren't appropriate for the Almighty (and all those pastors at General Assembly were right)?

After hearing her words replay in my head a million times, I finally wrote this in my journal (which is where I often write my prayers): "I don't know where I went so wrong, but I've disappointed you just like I've disappointed everyone else who matters in my life.  I'm so sorry.  And it's no wonder that I try to avoid so many people these days.  What am I suppose to say when they ask 'What are you up to?'  Oh nothing much, just disappointing the Creator of the Universe?"  In the process of writing these words, the pain and tears were out of control.

(Shawn: it was the following morning that you asked me how I was doing.  Now you know why I didn't respond.  There just wasn't enough time to have the emotional breakdown before we had to be back up front...)

Ok, so shortly after that, I was reading Susan Isaac's book where she takes God to couples counseling.  Her main issue was her own misconceptions and distortions of her image of God.  So I started thinking about that... and I realized that I didn't think Jesus was disappointed in me - just God.  So what was the difference?

Well, Jesus is more personal to me.  Jesus is my beloved and I am his.  Jesus is the one who talks with me and hangs out with me when I want to spend a day going to a Cubs game, geocaching or baking "in the presence."  Jesus wants to be with me, and Jesus' love is completely unconditional.  But to me, God is a bit different.  God is the "big picture", Creator of the Universe, out of reach and never quite pleased with me.  God wants something from me/my life.  This is why I wasn't disappointed with God - I didn't really expect anything from him, so there was nothing to be disappointed about.  ... Now if Jesus had done all this to me...

So how did this bit of schizophrenia happen?

1. My childhoold church, with all its rules, always spoke of "God" and "Father."  It was more formal and imposing.  It was also scary when you were in trouble, yet again, for asking questions in Sunday School.  But the cool pastor who rescued me when I was kicked out of Sunday School always spoke of "Jesus" and this friendship/relationship/love.
2. "Father" brings up a whole other set of issues - ones that I worked out with my dad long ago, but ones that apparently are still influencing my image of God.  Dad was hard to please, always demanded our best, and stayed somewhat distant from us as we got older.  It wasn't that his love was conditional, but there were definite expectations in place that earned his wrath if we strayed.  I guess I kind of see God this way - somewhat distant, demanding, hard to please and with a bit of anger tossed in.
3. When the DuBois firestorm came, a good friend and fellow youth pastor gave me a book that talks about being crucified by the church.  The main point of the book comes around to say that God is orchestrating the crucifixion, that he chose for things to happen in such a way as to completely crush you and nearly destroy you.  Apparently some of that stuck with me because I've been keeping God at arm's length since then (and just hanging out with Jesus).

Stephen reminded me that "God will watch as you fall apart, and God will see you made whole again." which is from a song called "It's OK to Cry."  Very appropriate.  (By the way, for those who don't know Stephen's music, you have to check it out on iTunes!  Stephen, you can "owe" me for the commercial break.)  It's not that God causes the falling apart and then Jesus helps to pick up the pieces.  So, perhaps this silence/absence of Jesus' presence has something to do with the need for me to readjust my distorted image of God, the Father...

Thoughts?  Comments?  Sarcasm?  Humor?