Childhood Faith: I grew up in a pretty conservative, very traditional church. I was taught things like don't ask questions and women can only do these ministries: music, teach Sunday School, help in the kitchen, lead a women's bible study or be the pastor's wife. Those rules aside, I had some pretty awesome influences in my life growing up. When I started getting kicked out of Sunday School on a regular basis for asking questions (see, even then I didn't follow the rules very well), the pastor was great at keeping me out of trouble with my mom and helping me to see that it was important that my faith became my own instead of just parroting the faith of others. A number of the older ladies taught me valuable life skills, shared their wisdom and taught me teamwork and compassion. I look back on most of this church experience as being full of people who encouraged me and loved me.
Childhood home: Again, I had it pretty good. But... I am adopted, and my brother is not. That caused several issues and left me feeling like I never quite belonged (I felt loved; I just didn't fit). The differences between me and the rest of my family are the primary source behind my parents' constant desire to make me be more like them. Let me reiterate that I had a pretty good childhood and was always loved! But I was/am never quite good enough to gain acceptance in my family. My grades, my activities, my level of skill in sports and music, my choice of college, my choice of career, etc. never quite measure up. This is a big factor in the voices I'm still hearing. My folks have been supportive financially through all of this (when I needed some assistance), but whatever job I'm working, whatever I do around the house, whatever I say/do... still isn't good enough, and they constantly remind me of that.
College: I had an awesome college experience! Really the only thing you need to know from this era is that it is when I was first challenged to really think for myself and it was the first time that my God questions were encouraged (not necessarily answered, but encouraged). It is also when Dr. Bill Moulder challenged me to listen for the call of God on my life and to think about youth ministry as a viable option. Rick Dunn also challenged me to test that call, which I did over the next 10 years of my life, before finally "caving in" to youth ministry.
Teaching: After college, I went back to Maplewood High School - my alma mater - to teach general music and choir. I loved the interaction with and the challenge of the students, but I struggled with the restrictions placed on us by the administration. I had real connection with several students, and I'd like to think that I actually influenced their lives for the better, but I had to be strangely silent on the things that really mattered - like Jesus. Everything changed for me when students with whom I had contact almost daily (between class and coaching) were killed in a car crash. I stood in front of one of the mothers as she said, "I know that you go to church and I just need to know: Is there any hope that my son knew your Jesus? Is there any hope that everything is OK for him now?" Almost 5 years of daily contact, and I had let my fears of losing my job keep me from ever mentioning Jesus. That combined with not ever being able to gain the favor of the administration (even with my involvement in sports, the "arts" part of me pretty much guaranteed my estrangement), led to serious consideration of that persistent knocking I had been hearing since my sophomore year of college.
Meadville church: The last three years I taught, I was involved at a church in the Meadville area. It was the first place where I could truly be myself and they still loved me. (Let me clarify that I had that sense of belonging in college, but I was still trying to figure out who I was, so it was different). I served as part of the youth minstry team and the praise team. Gregg mentored me in both areas and was well aware that I would end up in full-time ministry long before I was. This church encouraged me, challenged me, loved me, trained me and commissioned me when I finally accepted the call to full-time ministry. This is the church that keeps welcoming me back and helps me heal. Many of the people have changed, but I always find this to be a place of grace. It is far from perfect, but this church gives me hope that the church (in general) can be redeemed.
DuBois: This was my first full-time ministry opportunity. It is also the church that I now affectionately call "the church from hell." I was used and abused here - literally. I was manipulated into working 80+ hour work weeks (every week) because "it was for the Lord." I was cut off from relationships and voices that I needed in my life. I was told that I didn't pray, worship, teach, lead, love ... the right way. I have since seen many parallels between how I was treated and the abuse that many face in a marriage relationship. I understand why it is so hard for women to leave abusive husbands. It didn't take long for me to believe the lies I was being told. I believed no one else would ever consider hiring me for ministry. I believed that God was disappointed in me. I believed that I was worthless, never doing anything right (although you can see how my parents' voices played into this as well). In fact, I was even told by the pastor (after a 90+ hour work week) that I wasn't working hard enough or getting enough results. He ended that conversation by refering to a book we were reading as a staff and saying "You know, we read about Billy Graham's team retiring to the same area because they loved each other so much. Well, right now, I'm not even sure I want you to be a part of my team, let alone wanting to be with you forever." By the time I took my final stand (and was promptly fired), I was battered and spent emotionally, socially, mentally and spiritually. The way things ended cost me everything: my job, most of my friends, my home, a dating relationship, and realistically my faith. I now refer to this destruction as when Jesus got a hold of my life and ruined it (as Mike Yaconelli would say) - more on that later. When I was fired, I was blackmailed. I was told that they would continue to pay my salary and insurance for 3 months as long as I had no further contact with students, people from the church or anyone who may someday go to the church. A few weeks after I was fired, I was even told that in order to keep receiving the "compensation", I would have to go to the grocery store late at night to avoid running into people who may ask questions.
DuBois redemption: There were a few things that redeemed that DuBois church experience for me. The first was a few relationships: Joel and Kim, Judd and Jess - amazing people that I wish I had more contact with, but who are still able to be a part of my life. And Glenn. There was something special about that friendship. We struggled through life together and found that we had many life parallels. Glenn was the first person that I could be totally honest with and not fear repercussions. He allowed me to question everything without trying to give me all the answers. The pastor tried to destroy this relationship, but Glenn and his family wouldn't let that happen. Glenn, more than anyone else in my life, taught me how to be a friend and how to listen with the heart. The other redeeming factor in DuBois (thanks to Glenn) was contemplative prayer. Glenn arranged for me to attend the Sabbath retreat that changed everything for me.
Sabbath: That's where I first met Larry, Stephen, Beth and Jeannie. It's where I was finally able to see the truth of what was happening at DuBois. It's where Jesus got a hold of my life and started ruining it. And now, I wouldn't trade that "ruining" for anything. It's where I found the courage to stand up for myself. It's where the seed of truth that I am the beloved of God was planted. The faith that I had at the time couldn't stand up to what I was about to face in DuBois, but Jesus pretty much turned that faith upside down and provided me with the resources to rebuild it over the next few years. Contemplative prayer, creative prayer, and listening became vital to me. And though I didn't believe them at the time, the final words Jesus spoke to me (via Mike Yaconelli) at that retreat have continued to be a constant source of encouragement and wonder.
LaPorte: This was rebuilding. The ups and downs don't really matter. The specifics don't really matter. What does matter is that Doug (the pastor) allowed/gave me the space, resources and time I needed to heal. I was given freedom to create what I was feeling God leading me to do. I was free to think for myself, to question, to grow. Over time, I was able to establish amazing and healthy relationships - for which I will always be grateful. I was challenged to do new things -like tech support, preaching and different approaches to ministry. I was also free to develop T.A.G. (Time Alone with God), encouraged to take time for my personal relationship with Jesus, allowed some extra leeway to spend time with my family (which was needed since they were 6 hours away), encouraged to make connections with the people that I now consider my "YS family" and was actually appreciated and thanked for my contributions there. Again, this church was far from perfect, but it gave me hope for the church (in general). It also ruined the traditional youth ministry models for me.
Olean: In the midst of the LP experience, my dad had a serious accident and my grandmother died. I was feeling needed closer to home. Realistically, my folks only need help with a few things - basically two or three weekends a year - but I felt compelled to head closer to home. A number of things happend in LaPorte to signal the end of my time there (although none of them were directly related to me and I could have stayed). The Olean opportunity came up in the midst of that, and for some reason God wanted me there. From almost the very beginning, I knew something wasn't right. Although I had been told they wanted spiritual formation developed from a social youth ministry; they didn't. They told me they wanted me to develop the contemplative and experential worship options of the church. In the end I was "too contemplative." They said they wanted someone with some emerging church connections/philosophy because they were reinventing. In the end I was "too emergent." They wanted me to develop relationships and connections with people like Tony Jones and Mark Yaconelli and my other YS friends, but in the end they found those people/relationships very threatening. Oh yeah, and they had secretly been interviewing and lining up a "friend" of mine to come in and take the position as soon as I was out of the way. (That backfired because when I called Eric to tell him what happened, he freaked out and refused to take the position. He'd been told I was leaving voluntarily.)
Olean fallout: The real key to the Olean experience was that I was misled all along. They basically left me with no compensation other than the required 2 weeks pay, and everything happened so quickly while people were away for spring break, so there was very little closure there. Despite all that, I was OK with not being there anymore. I wasn't nearly as hurt as I thought I should have been. I was angry though. When they fired me (with no warning after just shy of 7 months), they told me that they didn't think I should be in youth ministry and maybe not in ministry at all. They refused to give me a reference for a future job, and the only other compensation they offered was to pay for me to drive 4 hours to sit with a "Christian career counselor" for an hour. (I declined and talked them into giving me the money to pay for the flights to all 3 YS conventions instead!) And then they told me that they knew me better than I know myself. It was that final statement, more than anything else, that made me angry. I hadn't spent any time with these people and I certainly hadn't let them into my life yet, and they thought they knew me? In case you haven't noticed, it takes me some time to trust people enough to let them in beyond the surface of my life.
Since Olean:So I moved home - into a single bedroom that I have to share with my dad's hunting equipment. I put the house up for sale (that would be 2 up for sale), moved all my stuff into an 8 x 10 storage room, and started doing whatever I could for work... At first I delivered flowers a few days a week while I looked for other opportunities. I was limited by the area because my folks made me promise I wouldn't move away. After all, I had moved back this way for them, right? But it didn't take long for me to remember why I struggled with my relationships with them so much when I lived at home. The disapproval and guilt-motivation tactics began flowing freely again. I liked my job, but I was only making a few hundred dollars a month, and that business was slowly headed under. So, I got talked into insurance. I studied every spare moment for 10 days and passed my licensing exam. A semi-local company put me on their staff, and I began another chapter of failure. It turns out that I'm too honest to sell insurance. I was primarily selling medicare supplements to 65 and older. Once I didn't have to travel hundreds of miles a day to meet with other agents and travel with them, I enjoyed meeting with people and helping them find the best option for their insurance. Unfortunately, in an economically depressed area, during an economic depression, and getting lower income leads, that rarely was the kind of insurance we had to offer. I helped people get into state-funded prescription programs and assisted med. sups. Needless to say, I didn't survive in that business too long. It ended up costing me over $2500 instead of actually making any money. And the company has a no compete clause, so I couldn't find another agency that might appreciate my efforts. A family friend offered me a job at his company, which is where I am now. I'm officially a metrologist. Don't worry, I had no idea what that was either - until I started working there. Basically, I measure parts to make sure they fit the print specifications before the manufacturer makes a ton of things that don't work the way they're supposed to. It's still a foreign language to me. I've learned quite a bit, but I still leave work every day feeling like a complete idiot, and now that I have been switched to second shift, I work from 3 PM - 1 AM, which means that I don't get to see friends or participate in things as I would like.
Ok, that should put everyone up to speed. I'll be posting again shortly to tell you where I am now and what led to the need to ask you all for help.
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