Unless otherwise specified, "church" refers to the church at large and not one specific congregation.
After talking with Lilly on the phone, an email from Stephen and a message from Jess, I realized that a lot of what I'm dealing with at this point is centered around church. I've not exactly had the best church experiences along the way. Although some have been great, I'd love to be able to walk away from church.
I'm tired of the politics. I'm tired of all the fighting, backstabbing and gossip. I'm tired of trying to be the church when most of the people I'm there with just want to come and "sit and soak". I'm tired of church being more like entertainment than following Jesus.
I'm tired of the church telling me what to believe, when to believe, how to believe. I'm tired of the church telling me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. I'm tired of everyone wanting to know what denomination or "movement" I am associated with - as if knowing that would tell them everything they need to know about my relationship with Jesus.
I'm tired of the church acting as if it had all the answers. If it really had all the answers, wouldn't we have solved the world's problems by now? If the church has all the answers, why does poverty still exist? Why does it take a natural disaster for the church to realize that the people of Haiti - or the people next door - need some help just to survive?
I'm tired of the church hurting my friends and family. My dad, Glenn, several people that I worked with in DuBois, Brian (a former student) and many others in my life have walked away from church because they have been wounded so deeply. Some have even given up on God because of what the church has done to them. I'm one of the fortunate ones who had people to help me see that the church is made up of imperfect people who screw up on a regular basis, and I was able to recover/am recovering from those hurtful experiences. But what about all these people who haven't been able to get past the hurt?
Which brings me to ... I'm tired of the church pretending. I'm tired of hearing "I'll pray for you" and knowing full well that they will never actually do it. (I should qualify this...I know some people actually mean it, but most don't). I'm tired of the smiles and the "everything's fine" attitude that is expected in churches. What if it was OK to actually say, "I'm doing lousy today. Can you take the time to hear why?" instead of our typical responses during the greeting time. I'm going to let you all in on a little secret: When I say I'm "OK" or "Alright" I don't mean it! If I can't make eye contact with you, I'm probably not being honest with you, and it's hard for me to open up in the few seconds we're given during a typical greeting. Few people in my life have gotten to know me well enough to decode my responses. I'm tired of having to pretend that everything in my life is fantastic just because I know Jesus. I'm tired of having to pretend that Jesus makes you prosperous or nice or whatever it is that makes life good all the time.
And yet...
I can't walk away. I keep trying to, and somehow I keep getting sucked back in. I can't help but believe that the church can change, can be redeemed, can actually become what it was meant to be.
I once heard Mike Yaconelli say that he couldn't walk away from the church either. He actually said he loved the church, and I thought he was crazy. Of course, I was in the middle of a very unhealthy, abusive church situation at the time, but I still think Mike was a bit crazy. I can't say that I truly love the church, but I also can't let it go.
There are some things I do love about the church - or at least the ones in which I've been involved. I love the mentoring attitude that the people at the little church in Guys Mills (where I grew up) had - long before mentoring was a buzz word or a formal program. I love the questioning and searching atmosphere that the church I attended in college allowed. I love the freedom to explore different ways to connect with God that the LaPorte church allowed me to foster and share. I love the grace and mercy that is often shown by the church in Meadville. I love the sense of belonging and love that the youth in LP exhibited for one another. I love the creativity and beauty that my YS "church" shares. I love the community that can come from a group of people coming together, telling the truth and sharing the journey.
On several occasions, Glenn (remember - one of the highlights from DuBois) has asked me why I keep working for churches. He knows my frustrations. He knows why I'm tired of church. He's been so badly scarred by the church - TWICE - that he's never going to go back. So he can't understand, after watching me go through everything, why I don't walk away. My only response has been that I believe the church can still be redeemed. If Jesus can redeem our culture for his good, why not our church? The church won't ever change unless someone is there to point out that change is needed. The church will never focus more on loving people, being a community, telling the truth, seeking God, not pretending, sharing the journey, bringing justice, being the hands and feet of Jesus, ... unless someone keeps pointing out that there is something wrong with the "sit and soak" model of Christianity/Churchianity. For some reason, it seems that God wants me to be one those people.
I can't walk away, and yet I can't seem to break through the "HE must...", the doctrinal indoctrination and the pure ridiculousness of the job postings I sift through on a regular basis. I see the same descriptions over and over again on the job bank, and everytime I see a new posting, I feel like I'm suffocating. How do you tell someone in an interview that they will never be able to build their church and be the church if they only have the "up front, get all the answers" model, never allow their children or teens to be a part of worship (or any other part of the church for that matter), never encourage their people to think and feel and discover on their own, limit the creativity and beauty, never take time to actually listen for what God might have to say to them, and never actually consider going outside the building to BE the church in their communities and in the world! And yet every single church I've ever interviewed with asks, "So what do you think of our church and our programs?"
So what am I to do with all this?
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I may be silent but I am thinking about what you have been saying. I also am praying and meditating about it all. I also am sending you some Reiki vibes. Not your typical former pastor's wife stuff but what I am all about. Take a hug and know that lots of us care.
ReplyDeleteMaMa Jan
OK, so just when I thought I might be able to actually walk away from the church (or at least being a part of church ministry)...
ReplyDeleteI had an almost spur of the moment phone interview with a pastor in Mattoon, IL. As I was quickly surfing their website to prepare for the interview, I happened to scroll down through the welcome on their home page. Below the traditional home page/come and see us stuff was an apology to all the people the church (both theirs and at large) has hurt. It was done in such a way as to not be flippant or be another ad for coming to their church. It definitely caught my attention.
During the course of the interview, the pastor shared his heart for those that the local congregation has hurt in particular. Of course, he had no idea of my church love-hate relationship, so it was particularly meaningful to me.
This afternoon, as I thought back over the interview and of the good things I've experienced in churches, I decided this one thing... there is hope for the church. And there is hope for me in the church and in church ministry. I don't know if things will work out for me in this church or not. I don't know when, or if, I will find myself back in the employ of a church. I don't know if I will ever agree with Mike and love the church. But it does seem that there is hope.
From Wade on Jan. 26 via facebook:
ReplyDeletei've just read through your story. quite the adventure...or should i say 'odyssey?' obviously, there are no easy answers. seems like you are in a season of 'waiting.' i know, easy for me to say. i don't mean to be flippant.
seems like you are 'planted' where you are for the time being. i wonder why, as you most assuredly do as well! maybe there is something there at the church you are serving that only you can do? some change that needs to be pointed out? something/one who needs redemption?
i am sure you have thought a lot about this. again, i don't want to be flippant.
these are the impressions i had while reading your story. i just know that if i had someone with your story and talents and drive and heart land in my lap here in rockford, i'd ask you to get involved in the ym here, and then get out of your way!
my point? maybe you're not 'stuck' where you are; maybe you are 'planted.'
From Stephen via facebook on Jan. 27:
ReplyDeleteJodi, I think you need to write a book. Really. A lot of people will relate, and it's a big issue.
From Jess via facebook on Jan. 29:
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking that "the Church" is not much more than a modern day version of the Israelites that many of the prophets spoke of. Hosea is a wonderful allegory of Christ's redemption of the Church . . . can the Church be redeemed? ABSOLUTELY. We are His Bride, right? Aren't we who He died for?
The problem with the modern day church is that many times it is no more than an organization. Something that people go to or belong to...much like a country club or therapy group. There's no real relationship with Jesus and there is no applying of the Word to life outside of Church or the things you allow Jesus to be a part of. Church is seen as the pinnacle of the Christian life but I'm wondering what if it's supposed to be the other way around? What if it should be that Christian lives are the pinnacle of the Church? What if we worship and practice the love of Jesus so consistently outside of Church in our daily lives that by the time we actually get to Church, it's not about us and our issues but it's about the body as a whole and how the Holy Spirit is working corporately. I think so many see their church service as the time to "get right with the Lord'. I say, "Do that before you come!!!!" Then when you are actually there you will have already dealt with yourself and will be thinking on a much larger scale. Style, method, liturgy, etc will not even be an afterthought if we've already lived as Christ to the world in our daily lives. The only thing that will ever set the Church apart and redeem is JESUS . . . period.
Derek Webb wrote a song called "The Church" and the tag line in it is this: "If you love Me, you will love the Church."
Jess,
ReplyDeleteThere is much that you said that I would agree with, but here are a few points that struck me the wrong way:
"Aren't we who He died for?" I thought the Bible was pretty clear that Christ died for all - not just the church. I'm not sure that's how you meant that to sound, but it definitely put me on edge as it conuures up the "us vs. them" mentality that I've tried so hard to fight for the last several years.
"Church is seen as the pinnacle of the Christian life..." Apparently you and I run in different circles. The majority of the Jesus followers that I know DO believe that trying to follow Jesus and to live a kingdom building life is the pinnacle of the church. It's about BEING the church, not going to services AT the church. Though perhaps the difference in our perspectives is that label. "Christian" to me has often become a stamp of recognition only to be followed by the identifying stamp of which church you attend without actually having anything to do with following Jesus. That's why I quit refering to myself as a "Christian" a few years ago and started identifying myself (when someone really pushes me) as a follower of God in the way of Jesus.
I agree that church would be different if we, collectively, were truly trying to live out the love of Jesus in our daily lives. But wouldn't our church "services" look a whole lot different? Would we need someone to stand up front for 20-40 minutes and tell us what to believe or how to behave? Wouldn't our gatherings be more of a community sharing of what has happened in the last week, a celebration of how God has worked in and through our lives and an encouragement for the pieces that still seem to be stuck or resistent? Wouldn't the services look more like a family gathered around a big table with every one as equals/partners instead of some people being set apart as "the experts?"
As for the Derek Webb song, I'm not sure Jesus says that - at least not in that way. Jesus talks about feeding the hungry, caring for the poor, taking in orphans and homeless - loving people in those kinds of concrete, tangible ways and then says "that was me - you did it to me." It seems to me that Jesus speaks more about the marginalized than the mainstream, and it's always about the PEOPLE. I can get behind loving people because I love Jesus, but "the church" - the institution that we've made it? Not so much.