The Church from Hell

My first full-time ministry position landed me in the church from hell (as I affectionately refer to it now). They were all about making converts and building up church attendance, and this was often at the cost of digging deeper. Questions were not allowed. People were asked to leave the church if they didn't support the pastor and his views 100%. If you made mistakes publicly, you were asked to leave. "People like that" weren't allowed to be associated with the church. All that mattered was the number of people who "said the prayer" and "checked the box" each week.

I entered ministry thinking that working for a church would be easier than working for the public schools. I imagined staff meetings as a time of sharing about what really mattered, praying and connecting. I imagined that the pastor would actually care about the state of my soul. I imagined that the leadership would truly care about and for one another. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Within a few weeks, I discovered that I was expected to work crazy long hours each week. Vacations and days off were not an option for me. Although the senior pastor seemed to only work 10-15 hours a week, I was expected to work 65, then 75, and eventually 85 or more hours each week because "it's for the Lord." I was systematically cut off from all those who were a support system for me because I "needed to be set apart." I found myself being told I didn't know how to pray correctly. I was leading worship, and I was repeatedly criticized because I didn't worship correctly. I didn't connect with the right people, and I defended the wrong people. I was in trouble because the youth program was ministering to "the wrong kids." I was being used and abused - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and to some extent physically - and I had no idea it was even happening.

After almost three years, I was so totally entrenched in this system that I actually believed the pastor when he would say things like, "Go ahead and try to find another position. No one else will hire you." After a 90+ hour work week, the pastor called me in and told me that I needed to spend more time at the church because I wasn't meeting all of his expectations. He demanded that I complete an 8 week devotional and a full curriculum on love prior to leaving (in 2 days) for our spring mission trip. When I pushed back saying it couldn't be done in that short amount of time, he told me, "I know we're reading this book where all the people who were on staff together loved each other so much that they all retired to the same community, but right now, I don't think I even want you as part of this team, let alone to be with you for the rest of my life." I left his office and collapsed in a heap in my own office. My best friend (and the only person in my life that the pastor hadn't scared away) was also there, and he couldn't take watching the abuse any longer. I couldn't have escaped that situation on my own, and I didn't believe my friend when he pointed out what was happening. He arranged for me to attend a retreat, and it was that retreat and the loving people that surrounded me there that saved my life.

When I returned home from the retreat with a clearer understanding of what was happening at that church, I demanded a few changes in hopes that the people of the church would be godly, loving people and would still care for me like I thought church people could. It never actually got to the people of the church. The leadership team told me to "suck it up," and when I revealed to them what had been going on, they threatened me. It seems that the building project was contingent on the pastor's approval rating, and they couldn't risk anyone knowing what had been going on with the staff. Within three months, I had been fired. The church people were told I had another job elsewhere. My compensation was dependent on me not having any contact with people from the church or in the community. I was even told that I had to do my grocery shopping late at night when most people wouldn't be in the store.

I lost everything - my house, my job, my friends, even the guy I was seriously dating. I left there wounded and bleeding from the soul. I had been questioning the very existence of God, and had it not been for a few loving souls who walked with me through this devastating experience, I would have walked away from ministry and my faith completely.