Saving Faith

Even while I was at the "church from hell," my faith crisis began. I remember sitting at a friend's kitchen table and saying, "I know I'm a youth pastor, and I know that I'm supposed to be helping other people grow their faith. But right now, I'm not even sure God exists."

I did eventually move on from God's existence because there were just too many things that I had experienced to let go of God completely, but I did wonder if God really cared about me, about life, about anything. It seemed to me that the only connection with God was church, and all the church cared about was filling the seats and the offering plates. This, combined with my personal experiences there, led me to a point where I was ready to walk away from everything.

But my best friend just couldn't let me go. Even though he was dealing with his own crisis of faith, he couldn't bear to see me walk away. He arranged for me to go on a retreat that changed everything for me. It was a Sabbath retreat designed by Youth Specialities, and it was basically a 5 day prayer retreat. Although it was not normally something I would have pursued, the idea of having 5 days of quiet and rest appealed to me since I was being used and abused at that church. It wasn't the rest that saved my faith though.

I walked into a small group of people who genuinely cared about me and cared what was happening to me. I experienced a kind of love and care there that I had not experienced before. That is the moment that I now say that Jesus grabbed hold of my life - all my life. Everything was miserable for me, and so it wasn't that big of a deal to give it to Jesus and to these people who loved me, right?

As Mike Yaconelli used to say, "Jesus gets a hold of your life and he ruins it." That's exactly what happened to me. After having a taste of what the church is supposed to be like and starting to actually believe that I was worth something, I couldn't let that connection go. I had found a connection with Jesus outside of the church itself, and I couldn't bear to let the church destroy what I had found. In the process, I had to surrender way more than I had bargained for. It was this desire that ultimately led to my being fired from that church. I lost everything that I relied on for security, and I embarked on this journey of searching for healing and truth - a journey that I wasn't really sure I wanted to take.

In the midst of this, there were a number of people who walked through that disasterous early part of my healing journey with me. Had it not been for them, I probably wouldn't be here today. Some of these people were personal contacts who loved and cared for me. Others were authors and speakers who caught my attention and started shaping who I would become.

I basically threw out everything faith-related that I couldn't confirm by my own personal experiences and started over. When I reached into my "Sack O' Faith" as one friend calls it, I discovered that most of what was there had been shoved into the bag without any thought or meaning. The hard work of my real spiritual journey was just beginning.